Book Summary on How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

 

This is one of the best books I have ever read this book derives the idea of how to deal with people who have logic, habits, and emotions. Rather than just dealing with them as creatures.

Table of content

• Brief Summary
•  Fundamental techniques of handling people
• Six ways to make people like you
• How to win people to your way of thinking
• Be a leader 

Brief Summary:

You must have heard if you are not able to deliver the best speech or your ideas to others you have not won others. Sometimes we are not sure how don’t worry This book will be your guide on how to exactly apply the principles and improve your communication and relationship and others and become a likable person nu applying the fundamental techniques outlined below 

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

 Know the difference between appreciation and flattery. This is best explained as one is universally admired; the other universally condemned. Flattery is selfish and insincere. It’s cheap praise. You tell the other person precisely what he thinks about himself. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Appreciation is unselfish and sincere. It happens when we stop thinking about ourselves and begin to think of the other person’s good points. The only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

Six Ways to Make People Like You

1.Become genuinely interested in other people.

 If you only try to impress people and get them interested in you, you won’t have many true friends. Real friends are not made that way. If you want to make friends, put yourself out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness. A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere.

2.Smile.

Happiness depends on inner conditions, not outward ones. It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. Shakespeare said it best: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

3.Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. A name is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing… and nobody else. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as you deal with others.

4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

To be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember people are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

5.Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

People like to talk about themselves. A particular topic is the things that they enjoy. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. There is one all-important law of human conduct: always make the other person feel important.

6. Give to others what we would have others give to us. How? When? Where? All the time, everywhere.

Little phrases such as ‘I’m sorry to the trouble you,’ ‘Would you be so kind as to – ?’ ‘Won’t you please?’ ‘Would you mind?’ ‘Thank you – little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life – and incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding. Most people you meet feel superior to you in some way. A sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance sincerely

 How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1.The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Most arguments end with each person more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. When you win an argument, you make the other person feel inferior. You hurt his pride and he will resent your triumph.

How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

• Welcome the disagreement. Be thankful if there is some point you haven’t thought about is brought to your attention. It’s an opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake
• Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction is to be defensive. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction
• Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry
• Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk before resisting, defending, or debating. Don’t raise barriers. Build bridges of understanding
• Look for areas of agreement. Talk first about the points and areas on which you both agree
• Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It disarms opponents and reduces defensiveness
• Promise to think over your opponent's ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: ‘We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen’
• Thank your opponent’s sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends
• Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:

 

2.Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’

Tell people they are wrong and you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, pride, and self-respect. You won’t make them want to change their minds and they will never want to agree with you. If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Use a little diplomacy. It will help you gain your point. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit your errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness but often helps solve the problem created by the mistake.

3.Begin in a friendly way.

To win someone to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.

A friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.

4.Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.

When talking with someone, begin by emphasizing – and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree.

Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Get the other person saying ‘Yes, yes at the outset. Keep them from saying ‘No.’

A ‘No’ response is the most difficult handicap to overcome. All your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. 

The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, several ‘Yes’ responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.

When tempted to tell someone he is wrong, ask a gentle question – a question that will get the ‘yes, yes’ response.

5.Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. Ask them questions.

When you disagree with them, don’t interrupt. Listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully

When our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they – or at least some of them – will feel inferior and envious.

6.Let the other person feel that the idea is his or her.

People have more faith in ideas that they discover for themselves than in ones handed to them. 

Don’t try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people. Instead, make suggestions and let other people think about the conclusion.

No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.

7.Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn but instead try to understand them. There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Find that reason and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Put yourself in his place. Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.

8.Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

A magic phrase to stop arguments, eliminate ill feelings, create goodwill, and make the other person listen attentively: ‘I don’t blame for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.’  Most people you meet want sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

9.Appeal to the nobler motives.

A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

10.Dramatize your ideas.

This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating the truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.

11.Throw down a challenge.

To get things done, stimulate competition using the desire to excel. The one major factor that motivates people is the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looks forward to doing it and is motivated to do a good job. That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. The desire for a feeling of importance.

Be a Leader

1.Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise for our good points.

2.Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word ‘but’ and ending with a critical statement.

For example: ‘We’re really proud of you, Paul, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.’

Paul might feel encouraged until he heard the word ‘but.’ It makes him question the sincerity of the original praise. It seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnnie’s attitude toward his studies. This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and.’

Like this: ‘We’re really proud of you, Paul, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.’

Now, Paul would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly, and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations. Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.

3.Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults, if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable. Admitting one’s own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behavior.

4.Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.

5.Let the other person save face.

We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting! Let’s remember that the next time we are faced with the distasteful necessity of discharging or reprimanding an employee.

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote:

‘I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.’

6.Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.’

Praise even the slightest improvement to inspire the other person to keep on improving. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good. Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants flattery.

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. 

7.Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

8.Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique – be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window to excel.

9.Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Some guidelines when you want to change someone’s behavior:

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants
4. Consider the benefits that the person will receive from doing what you suggest
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants
6. When you make your request is put in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit from. An order sounds like this: ‘John, we have customers coming in tomorrow and I need the stockroom cleaned out. So sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter.’ When you express the benefits: ‘John, I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the stock-room, but it is in poor shape. If you could sweep it outputs the stock in neat piles on the shelves and polishes the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.

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